I’ve probably started and stopped this letter over a thousand times in my mind, but for some reason today…exactly 108 days after I lost you I felt now that the time was right for me to contact you. I don’t know what it is, but maybe it has a lot to do with the conversation I had with a colleague today, who is a new Mom, about “a mother’s love.” Maybe it’s the new community service organization I just got involved in that reminded me of your love for kids. Maybe it’s the internal battle I’ve been going through lately and the reality that I don’t have your shoulder to lean on anymore just finally hit me. Maybe it’s the fact that I’ve been looking at the DVD of your funeral on my dresser for over 100 days and every time I go to pick it up to watch it I throw it back down because I don’t really want to confirm the fact that you are gone, b/c I’d rather not escape my world of denial. Or maybe it’s none of the above…maybe the reality is just that I’m on my 3rd round of crown royal and the inhibitory affect of the liquor has taken control of my emotions and I just can’t hold it in any longer….
I don’t really know what it is Mom; all I know is that I miss you. I don’t miss the suffering that you were going through, but I do miss everything about you. You never really know the extent of “a mother’s love,” until one day you wake up and realize that you will never get to experience it again. I miss your soothing touch, your loving spirit, your strength, and your guidance. You see “a mother’s love,” is something that can never be replicated so no matter how strong the support system around me, and no matter how much love I receive from anyone else I don’t think I will ever experience or witness what you gave me. It’s like an addict that will always be searching for that first “high,” again but not knowing that it’s virtually impossible to ever get that high again, so he consistently indulges, holding on to nothing more than…hope.
Don’t get me wrong Mom….you raised me #RIGHT! You raised me to be strong and you prepared me mentally for life without you. Mom I just wish you would have prepared me for the emotional void that I am experiencing right now. I don’t know if I should be more happy that you created a man in me that’s destined for greatness, or if I should resent you for this vulnerable feeling that I feel, now that I know that no matter how many times I call your name you will never answer me again. Should I smile about how I can look back and know that everything I am and everything I strive to be is a DIRECT result of the expectations you set upon me and the things you worked your ass off for just to make sure I knew my potential? Or should I be angry with the fact that you will never again be able to wipe this tear that sits on my cheek right now as I stroke these keys hoping to feel your touch as I type letter by letter M-O-M.
(Takes another sip of Crown,)…you see MOM no matter how many emotions overwhelm me at this moment the one consistent thing that I can hold on to is that little thing I mentioned called “A Mothers Love.” It’s that irreplaceable feeling that heals all wounds, and that makes everything right no matter what you’re going through. “A Mothers Love,” is that feeling that continues to drive you and comfort you far beyond the flesh. “A Mothers Love,” is just that thing you need when you feel like the weight of the world is on your shoulders, and the moment you get weak it grabs you by the collar, looks you in your eyes, and says “you can do it, everything is going to be alright.”
I gave a lot of reasons in the beginning about why I decided to write this letter at this time and although they may be very valid reasons I think I have one last reason that trumps them all. I write this letter as a source of inspiration. I write it to say that “A Mothers Love,” when done the right way, should carry your children through anything. I write this letter because there are a lot of mothers out there taking the gift of motherhood for granted not realizing that they hold the most powerful position in the world. I may not know much about being a mother b/c I am a man…but what I do know is that no one will EVER have the impact on my life that my mother had on mine, and if that isn’t reason enough for you to want to embrace your role as a parent then you might just want to rethink what you signed up for. This is my challenge to all parents in the world…when your time on earth is gone and your children are sitting at the computer as I am right now; and their emotions begin to flow through the keys on the keyboard ask yourself WHAT WILL THEIR BLOG SAY ABOUT ME??
MOM I LOVE YOU AND YOU WILL NEVER BE FORGOTTEN…I LIVE FOR YOU AND THROUGH YOU I WILL ALWAYS MAKE YOU PROUD!! “A MOTHERS LOVE!”
P.S. PICK UP THE PHONE RIGHT NOW… CALL YOUR MOM…AND TELL HER YOU LOVE HER!
I felt it was only right that I put your favorite song in this post Mom: Never Would Have Made It!