14 December 2013


 December 14, 2013

SEX is not a hostage, your KIDS are not pawns, and INTIMACY is not optional! Now as you sit there trying to figure out where in the world I am going with this one, I would challenge you to stop and think about something. Remember when you thought just because you had a bad day that you could take it out on your wife? Remember she tried to get close to you and you shunned her away and when she wanted some affection you snapped at her? Remember you wanted him to help more with the kids or help you clean up more, but instead of just saying that you cut off the sex supply just to prove a point? Well if that doesn’t ring a bell what about the time you and your mate were in the midst of the storm and you started talking bad about your mate in front of your kids so that you could seem like the better parent? These scenarios may not play out in your marriage, but they play out in many marriages and the passive aggressive nature may be tearing a hole in your marriage. Lets talk about it!

SEX is not a hostage:

I had a young lady tell me that  “ you better do what your wife says because she has something you need (sex).” Ok I had no problem with the statement I more so had a problem with the mentality. For some reason in many marriages sex is used as leverage and held hostage if the wife doesn’t get what she wants or if she is mad about something. Men same thing applies to you. When we take vows under God our bodies become one to be shared with one another, not negotiation tactics used to get what we want. If there is something you desire or want to change in your marriage instead of using sex as a weapon to hold your mate hostage use communication as the weapon instead. Before you think about sex as a negotiation tactic remember, “the one with the leverage in a negotiation is the one who is willing to walk away.” Don’t be the deal that your mate decides to walk away from completely.

KIDS are not pawns:

I remember how annoying it was watching my parents try to play good parent bad parent when they were going through tough times. Mom would blame Dad and Dad would blame Mom all in an effort to seem like they were the better parent. Eventually I slowly started to resent both of them for the obvious immaturity. Your children are smarter than you think so don’t patronize them. Secondly, if you are going through a separation it is highly irresponsible to try to use a child as leverage if the other parent is a GOOD parent. You being mad at him or her doesn’t mean you should drive a wedge between them and the other parent just to try and win or get what you want out of the situation. Your kids aren’t a chess game and shouldn’t be used as pawns!

INTIMACY is not optional:

Your mate is supposed to be your best friend, companion, and lover. They should be able to come to you for intimacy and affection. Your bad days shouldn’t project on to them. You shouldn’t shun them because your boss made youmad at work. You shouldn’t cheat them of affection because your family is getting on your nerves. Allow your mate to be where you go for closeness not for distance, for warmth not coldness. Your intimacy level with your mate shouldn’t be optional or contingent on whether or not you had a good day or if you “feel like it.”

We all have issues and disagreements that arise in our relationships, but instead of fighting for leverage we should just fight to communicate more and serve each other more. There are better ways to get something from your mate than to use sex as a weapon, your kids as pawns, or to make intimacy optional.

Xklusive Thoughts Fam how can withholding sex effect a marriage?



One response on “3 Things You Should Stop Using Against Your Mate

  1. De says:

    I believe it’s good for men and women to hear this message time and again. Even though it’s tough sometimes when you are not “feeling” the love for any number or reasons. I appreciate your reminder.

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